Finding their Way
by spottedhorse
Summary: Things are all wrong between Lord and Lady Grantham after the death of their daughter. Sometimes people on the outside can help us see things more clearly.


I don't like the great divide between Robert and Cora. Haven't seen 3:6 yet. So this is what I think should happen.

* * *

Cora saw the hurt in his eyes and she wanted him to hurt. She had hurt every minute of every day since her baby had died. Her only comfort was spending time with her granddaughter, Sybil's sweet, sweet baby. But even then, she couldn't forget what had been lost. Angrily, she turned and walked out of the room.

Robert watched her walking away and felt his heart sink once again. Would she ever forgive him? Morosely, he admitted that there was no reason why she should; he would never forgive himself.

She wanted to be alone and considered returning to her room but dismissed the thought, walking out the front door instead. She wandered aimlessly until she found herself at Sybil's grave. She stood staring down at the horrid plot, so new and raw and ugly; everything Sybil was not. And there she collapsed into a heap, sobbing uncontrollably.

Despondent, Robert followed Cora's example and walked out the door but turned toward the woods. Perhaps a long walk would help him settle his overwhelming emotions. Soon he was deep in the forest and alone except for his dog, Isis, he sat on a log and gave his emotions release, sobbing uncontrollably until all was thoroughly spent.

Cora cried until there were no more tears left, at least not for today. But it left her weak and bereft of what little motivation she felt these days. Her mind told her she must get up but her body refused.

"Lady Grantham?" she heard.

Mustering enough strength to lift her head she found herself staring into the face of Sir Anthony Strallan. "Yes?" she replied, unsure why he should be speaking to her or if she should even attempt politeness. He had hurt one of her other babies, hadn't he?

"I realize I am the last person you wish to see but ….well, you seem to be in distress and I wonder if I might help in some way?" His face wore a kind, gentle expression, one full of sorrow and concern. And as she gauged the tenderness in his eyes, she understood what Edith saw in this man.

"I… yes, I….thank you," she said softly. "Losing Sybil…the way we lost her…I can't seem to…" Her head dropped, her spirit crushed.

Suddenly she felt him next to her, his long, lean body folded and compact as he settled on the ground next to her. "I quite understand," he said softly, soothingly.

Cora lifted her head just enough to glare at him.

"Ah, yes…" he muttered. "I'm not a parent, so you don't believe I can understand. But I was, you see. Not for long…only a few hours. Maud and I had so many disappointments…it was a miracle that she managed to carry him through to his birth."

"Yes, I am sorry, Sir Anthony. I had forgotten that your son lived for a short while."

"It's quite alright. It was a long time ago. So much has changed since, it seems like another lifetime. My only comfort was that Maud died believing he lived. But he only lived an hour beyond her passing." He paused for a moment, lost in his own memories. "I know it seems insensitive of me but I actually envy you somewhat. You had 24 years with Lady Sybil before losing her. I had only a few hours with my boy. And of course, there was Maud. As horrible as losing one's child is, losing one's other half is so much more distressing. At least you do still have Lord Grantham…and your other children." He looked at her pointedly, his kind eyes reminding her that she should be grateful for what she had.

Cora wanted to be angry with him, just as she wanted to be angry with everyone else in the world. But she was too tired for that. And as she watched the expression on his face, saw the pain and loss, she knew he did understand. He knew her grief. "Mary and Edith are a great comfort," she said meekly. "At least, as much as I can feel comfort."

"Yes, of course." He stopped, holding back words. Cora was certain he wanted to ask after Edith and consequently was surprised when he continued. "But I would imagine Lord Grantham is the only other one who feels the same loss as you…since she was his child too."

"I…" Cora's emotions were a muddle and far too complicated for her to think them through. "It was his decision that caused her death and so….I find little comfort there," she admitted.

"Oh how ghastly." Anthony exclaimed softly. "I had heard there was a dispute between the doctors."

"Yes, and rather than listening to Dr. Clarkson, who knew our Sybil, he choose to follow the advice of that horrid man."

Tentatively Anthony reached for her hand and took it into his. She felt the gentle strength in his grip and once again was reminded of Edith. "I would imagine he is feeling quite guilty then," he said quietly. With a sigh he continued. "We men are at such a loss over these things, especially the men in our class. We are raised with such strange notions, you see. For instance, we are taught that women are the weaker gender and yet, I've found that most women have unlimited supplies of fortitude when it comes to their families. And we are taught not to concern ourselves with the natural processes of birth and…well, all things pertaining to women. And then something happens and we are expected to make decisions about subjects of which we have little knowledge. Farmers have the advantage, I'd say. They at least learn some of the ways of nature from their livestock. Be we gentlemen….we are kept away from all that until we come face to face with it in the most wretched circumstances. I know I wasn't prepared for the decisions that had to be made on behalf of Maud. It took some years to finally forge some peace with all of it."

"Yes, but Dr. Clarkson tried to tell him…and I tried to convince his but he wouldn't listen…"

"Oh how wretched… and frightening, for all of you. Why do you suppose he was being so difficult?"

Cora blinked and turned to look into the eyes of Anthony Strallan. "He gets that way when he is unsure and anxious. He's so afraid of failure that he digs in deeper refusing to see what others might tell him. He's always been that way."

"Yes, yes…I quite understand. We gentlemen amble along in our comfortable lives and something comes along that upsets that and we are expected to know what to do. And the truth is, we are just as much at a loss as everyone else but because of who we are…well, we sometimes don't act as wisely as we should. But I do know this. Robert loves you very much and is quite dependent on you. He loves his family and has always been the doting father, always trying to do what he thinks is best for his children, even when his opinions are so obviously wrong. But whatever he does, he does from love…misguided at times, perhaps…but love just the same. And I would imagine that right now he is feeling quite lost."

Cora wanted to not care what Robert was feeling, but too many years of loving him refused to completely let go, no matter how angry and hurt she was. And in that, she found the beginnings of peace. Looking again at her companion, she marveled at how much they had under estimated this man. "Edith was right to place her trust in you," she said in awe.

Anthony blinked. "I…no. I know I hurt her very deeply. What I did, I did because I do love her but my timing was… appalling."

"Well, yes," she admitted. "I've never understood why you waited until that day. Everything seemed fine the day before, when we all went on the picnic."

Taking a deep breath, Anthony nodded. "Lord Grantham and I had talked the night before and while it wasn't exactly what I had hoped to hear, he was supportive. But in the church that day… there were whispers and well, I just didn't want Edith to go through life hearing those whispers. I was never completely convinced that marrying someone so much younger could ever be appropriate and …after hearing ….well, I just couldn't do that to her. It was selfish of me to ever entertain the idea."

"Anthony, you obviously love my Edith very much. I can't believe there is anything inappropriate in that," she declared firmly. "If there is one thing I have learned through this horrible time, it is that happiness is an ephemeral thing. It doesn't take much to upset it and whenever we have a chance at it, we should grab hold. Edith has been miserable. She's tried to gain her footing, find some way fill her time but she isn't happy. And I have never seen her happier than when she was with you. As her mother who wishes to see her happy again, I wish you would reconsider…at least talk with her and… well, give yourself more credit. You were good for her."

Anthony stared at her, stunned. "I thought she …well, I saw her articles and it seemed…"

"She is pleased with herself over them. But I'm afraid Robert and his mother put quite a damper on it. I have to admit that I am a part of that as well. Matthew and in a lesser part, Tom, have tried to encourage her but she suffers. She needs someone who is supportive of her, encourages her…and yes, loves her. And she has such an abundance of love to share but struggles so with finding ways to use it."

"But…" Anthony started.

"And I saw the way she looked at you. I've never seen her that way with anyone else. She loves you, Anthony. Oh, she may find someone else eventually. But he will never be you and so will always be second best and she will never be satisfied. I urge you to speak with her. She is a grown woman with a mind of her own; she is capable of knowing what she wants and deciding what is best for her."

Anthony thought for a moment. "If you truly believe that, then I will…on one condition."

Cora frowned. "A condition?"

"Yes, if Lady Edith is willing to see me then I will talk with her on the condition that you speak with Lord Grantham. Tell him what you are feeling and give him a chance to share his feelings with you. Lady Sybil was a sweet, loving young woman and she would be hurt to know that things are not well with two of the people she loved most."

Cora considered his proposal. And then she remembered Robert's face that morning, looking pale and haunted. "Alright then. We have a bargain."

Anthony rose and offered his good hand to aid her rise as well. "Then I will call on Lady Edith in a few days," he said softly, "if you are quite sure it is a good idea."

"I am quite sure," Cora nodded. They walked quietly from the graveyard and parted at the road. Cora walked back home with purpose, although she didn't hurry. As she turned up the drive toward home, she saw Robert pacing outside. Finally he turned and saw her and stopped, standing still, as if afraid to move.

As Cora approached, she realized how distraught he actually was, tear streaks stained his face and his eyes were red. Mud was splattered on his trousers and leaves caught in his jacket. He watched her mutely, afraid to speak, his eyes giving away his distress. Cora was certain she must look as awful as he did but for the moment, it didn't matter. She stopped in front of him, staring into his poignant blue eyes that were begging for forgiveness. "I thought we might talk," she said softly.

She watched as relief flooded over him and he reacted visibly with a shudder. "I thought…you were gone so long I thought…"

Tears seemed to come far too easily for her these days and so once again they were here. Reaching for his hand, she took it in hers. Looking into his face, she was taken aback by his awe. "In a sense I have been," she admitted. "It hurt so much…all of it. And it still hurts. But she was your daughter too, a life we created together, a part of us both. I am still hurt and still very angry and I don't know when or how I will get through it. But I do know that I need you as much as you need me. So we will find a way."

The tears began to flow from his eyes again as he took her in his arms. "I've missed you," he confessed. "And until my dying breath I will continue to regret not listening to you about Sybil." And there, on the front lawn of Downton, the Master of the house took his wife in his arms and held her close. "I love you so much Cora; I've been so lost without you."

"Robert," she cooed, her hands stroking his back. "We've both been lost, I think. But this isn't what Sybil would want for us. For her sake, as well as our own, we will find our way." Taking his hand in hers, she turned, and they walked through the door together.


End file.
